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Monthly Archives / December 2015

Why Christmas Shopping Makes Us Insane

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Back in the days when I had money, I could Christmas shop for a specific person and get them something awesome.
Those were the days.
Now I just buy stuff that’s on sale and say
“This will be good for someone”
Great! Let’s cross someone off the list.
I was worried what we were going to get for someone but now I don’t have to worry about them. Whoever they are, we got’em covered. That’s one less thing to worry about!

Or The wife and I will be out shopping for nobody in particular.
I’ll find some pretty OK Gloves.
Only $5 bucks.
And I announce exactly who they would be good for.
These would be good for Jack.

Then my wife will say ” Do you think so?”
Now I’m filled with doubt.
Now I don’t know.
Maybe Jack would hate them.
Do you think Jack would hate’em?
I don’t think he’d hate them he just might not need gloves.

Maybe we should wait?
But there on sale.

I think everybody would love these gloves.
I almost wanna get a pair for everyone.
Well, who do we need for?
Pretty much everyone!
You mean we didn’t even start our Christmas shopping?
We don’t have anything for anyone?

No! We started! We have some stuff for some people.
Well who?
I don’t know.
The stuff we already bought is at home.
Did we bring a list of what we already have and who it’s for?
Not an actual list but I could figure it out if you give me a minute.
We could always come back for the gloves.
But they might now be on sale?
Or they might be cheaper.
Or they might not have any left.

We reap eat this madness a few dozen times until the magic of Christmas Eve is upon us.
Then we hope we got everyone!

Christmas Tree Getting Day

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Often underrated in the holiday hoopla is one of my absolute favorite days of the year, and that is the actual day we get our Christmas Tree. The first talk of getting a tree is Thanksgiving weekend. The first mention of Christmas during Thanksgiving weekend is typically met with ‘it’s too soon to talk about Christmas’
We like to enjoy our Thanksgiving before we allow Christmas to take over our lives. That last line made it sound like we hate Christmas. This is incorrect. We love most of Christmas. We hate the panic of what to get everyone and where will we get the money. People who have big piles of money don’t have the right to piss and moan about the madness of Christmas. Just make everyone you know add a wish list to Amazon. Grab yourself a Ron Swanson Whiskey and point and click your Christamas shopping away! Leave us fools who live pay check to pay check to fend for ourselves. What we see here from this very blog is that it’s going to be insanely difficult for me to every write my book as I have wondered from the path. CHRISTMAS TREE GETTING DAY. That magical day when we attack the area where the tree will go. By tradition, the spot where the tree will go is not cleared until the day before! You can now clearly see where the tree will go. Oddly enough, this has a calming affect on the madness of Christmas. If you find yourself unable to get into the Christmas spirit, you have no further to look then your tree. If you didn’t get your tree yet, stop reading this and run to the tree place and get a Christmas Tree. A Blue Spruce, Douglas Fir but try not to get one of those trees with the long soft bristles that looks like a cross between a mop and a tree that grows in Florida. Unless you really love that kind of tree and just get the kind of tree you love. If you don’t know what your doing in the way of tree getting, please ask a friend you trust. We have all of us purchased many trees. I am a big fan of a ma and pa tree farm that is located right in my town. Only a few blocks away. When I say located, I mean hidden. It’s basically someone’s back yard. Hundreds of trees to pick from. With the nastiest price tag of $35. Bring a saw and cut your own down if that gives you a thrill but be warned. If your out of shape like I am, sawing a tree down to prove your manliness can backfire in the form of a muddy-knee’d pathetic wanna be lumber jack, cutting the tree down on a stupid angle. Just ask the kid with the chainsaw to cut it cleanly for you. Thanks to all those horror movies, the young guys who help with the family tree farm get an almost unwholesome kick out of wielding a chainsaw.
Smell your tree before you have it cut down. Smell a lot of trees. Look at the trees from every angle. Bring your family to smell the trees. Bring your daughter’s boyfriend to smell the trees. Take pictures, run around the trees. Examine the trees from all angles. Make sure your tree will fit in your house. I use a very meticulous measuring system. I stand where the tree will stand and I reach for the ceiling. The actual ceiling is about a foot away from the tip of my reach. And yes I enjoy running around the tree farm, standing next to a tree we like and reaching straight up to the sky. If the tip of the tree is higher then one foot above my reach, the tree is too big (insert that’s what she said joke here). It’s also a good idea to bring a ribbon or something to mark a few different trees until you get it down to that special tree. How do you know when you’ve found it. You just know. At the moment when you al, agree on this years Christmas Tree, that feels awesome! The Christmas spirit is officially alive. I am lucky in that my tree farm of choice is only about 6 blocks away from wher I live. So I don’t have to tie it to the top of a PT Cruiser and drive on a highway. I don’t even have to close the hatch.
The ride home, smells like Christmas. For those six blocks, I have the quintessential pine tree auto air freshener.
The next exciting part of our Tree getting tradition is watch our cockatiel watch the Tree come into the house. We always believe she will be more excited then she is. The late night show when the cat comes down stairs is even even less spectacular. The feral Merry appears to be stunned that I would be so stupid as to bring something from the outdoors, indoors. A cats hard life outside and taking to indoor living has caused feral Merry to not really miss anything about the great outdoors. We like to let our tree settle for a few days before we commence with the decorating. There is no holiday wisdom here beyond the simple idea that if you are struggling to find the Christmas spirit, go outside and bring a tree into your home. If you put up an artificial tree, I don’t have the passion to blog about it.
Happy Holidays!