Allowing for the fact that I don’t ski, snowboard or spin down hillsides on the those little saucers that were fun as a kid but I don’t fit on them any more,
I AM NOT A BIG FAN OF SNOW. Ask anyone who has to drive through SNOW to get to a gig and they will tell you, “I CAN GET THERE BUT I’M WORRIED ABOUT MY AUDIENCE”
Snow has cost me more comedy dollars then any bad review on yelp. I’m pretty sure I haven’t been reviewed on YELP but you get the point.
WINTER COMING, is entertaining enough on Game of Thrones but the day after Valentine’s Day, Snow has lost it’s Christmassy romantic ambience! This winter in particular has lured us into a false sense of security. We were all rocking the Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts to grill our Christmas Ham. Then without enough warning, POW! THIRTY INCHES OF SHOVELING HELL FELL FROM THE SKY! It took us a couple weeks to dig out. Even now, the grey mountains of frozen hell stand tall in the mall parking lots, as a reminder that we are not safe from the grips of the SNOW MISER!
Today is especially frightening because it’s COLD! And we all know that when the ground is cold, the snow sticks. It gets deep fast! One to Three inches is far more intimidating falling onto ice cold roads. Tonight they are calling for, THOSE BASTARDS WHO CALL FOR THESE THINGS, FREEZING RAIN after the one to three inches! It’s no longer about zooming off to the market for Milk, Butter, Egg, Breads and Toilet paper. It’s the fear of not being able to go places. We are people who love to go places. We go to the movies! We got to Broadway shows! We who perform, go to rehearsals and performances. We worry that people won’t come out because THEY ARE CALLING FOR ONE TO THREE INCHES!
If they left comedians report the upcoming wintry mix, we’d tell you “It’s not the bad! Just leave early and drive slow” And we’ll tell you that with thirty inches on the ground.
When we do have to call off or reschedule a show, there is always someone mad at us because they have four wheel drive. If we don’t call it off and reschedule, we are accused of being greedy whores who don’t care about peoples lives. This is a horrible and inaccurate accusation. You see, we have to drive there too and we don’t want to die any more then you do. We just believe it’s possible to drive safely through snow. But then, we hear of a 50 car pile up on route 78 because of a SNOW SQUAL! Very tragic and a reminder that maybe sometimes we should stay home. I’ve been driving in Pennsylvania for 38 Years and the SNOW SQUAL is a new horror. Not to be out done by BLACK ICE.
There is no point to this rant. It is merely therapy for a traveling comedian who simply cannot lose another gig to snow!
Drive safe. Watch out for Black Ice, Snow Squals, bad drivers, sliding cars, freezing rain or just stay the fuck home and stream something on netflix.
Anyway you slice it, when I hear the four letter word SNOW, I imagine I hear the same way people who are offended by the word fuck, actually feel when they hear me say “FUCK” too much on stage.
*this rant has not been checked for grammar, spelling, run on sentences or other things that might cause me to get a poor grade. It’s my journal and you really shouldn’t be reading it anyway”