As Mother’s Day weekend is upon us, I wonder how flowers got to be the official gift for Mom on Mother’s Day. Seems like a bit of a jip to me. Flowers are for special occasions it is true but doesn’t feel like it should be the whole gift. If you are starring in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas in your community theatre, you expect flowers at the curtain call. You expect flowers at your funeral. You expect to wear a carnation in your lapel before you go whack that guy. But flowers as your main gift, definitely seems like a jip. Nobody puts flowers on their Amazon Wishlist. Men would not tolerate an assigned gift for Father’s Day, that’s why you don’t see any Neck-Tie Tents in mall parking lots on Father’s Day weekend. Your girlfriend expects flowers as part of your apology for that immense fuck-up but it can’t be the only part of the apology. Dinner and a bottle of wine must accompany the flowers. Which brings me to another point, if you are in the dog house with your girlfriend and are driving to her house without flowers, in hopes of driving past the escaped mental institution patient that’s standing a the traffic light at the corner of 15th and Tilghman. But then you have to hope like hell the light is RED. of you’ll show up empty handed. Your girlfriend will say, “What? No Flowers? You’re such a dick” at which point you will say, “You wouldn’t believe this but I had some great luck on the way over here! All Green Lights”
At which point she will say “You’re about to hit a Red Light when you try to get into my pants”
And besides that, women are smarter then you!

(Not quite yelling but with a raised voice of disdain she’ll say)
“If you wanted to get sucked off you should have gone with the FTD FORGET ME NOT BOUQUET complete with the card and the white Lacey flowers as garnish! But no, you stopped at the Red Light and bought flowers from Chief, who just threw the water fountain through the window and broke out of the mental institution.
I SMELL THE SMOKE!”
Happy Mother’s Day!