Raymond the Amish Comic

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People from NY hate people from NJ and PA and people from…

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I have been performing in NJ for a few years now and I have been traveling to NY for 30 years for theater, entertainment and to perform. I have noticed that people from NY hate people from NJ and PA. People from NJ hate people from NY and PA. people from PA hate people from NJ and NY.
I have traveled to Point Pleasant, NJ as an ambassador of goodwill. To bridge the hate between the states. I love people from PA, NY and NJ!
I get the arrogance of NY! You have Broadway and Off-Broadway!
I get the attitude of NJ. You’re sick of people from Pennsylvania coming to your beaches as a second choice because their parents couldn’t afford Disney. Hey, if you wanna see a giant mouse, swing through Newark! We got rats the size of men!
I think people from PA hate people from NY and NJ because they are afraid. That’s why we all have guns!
Peace!
Amish Comic, Loving NEW YORK, NEW JERSEY and PENNSYLVANIA!

Shared Psychotic Football Fan Disorder

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Not quite sure if I am more jealous or afraid of the FOOTBALL FAN!

The die-hard fans seem to be suffering from or enjoying a kind of  SHARED PSYCHOTIC DISORDER. By where large amounts of people suffer from the delusion that they do in fact play for a specific football team or claim some sort of ownership.

The Sunday afternoon Twitter feed with the #Eagles, will result in thousands of people tweeting, #WeWon! #WeRnotTackling #WeNeedDefense! The implication of course being that thes thousands of fans actually believe they are on the team. The behavior doesn’t fall under the clinical definition for a PSYCHOTIC because said psychotic behavior needs to occur for periods of at least six months. The Football season runs for about 5 months so this is more of a Temporary Shared Psychotic Disorder. While this behavior appears to be harmless and temporary, I have experienced some extreme and frightening cases. While in line for crazy pills at the pharmacy, a small man with a bald head, was sporting as much Pittsburgh Steelers clothing as one could wear in public. The big Black and Gold Jersey, hung on this man like a tarp on a picnic table. He didn’t have enough back to hold up the number 84! The sight of the lower portion of the 8 and the 4 on the top of this fans ass was very disturbing. It would appear that a claim could be made for Multiple Personality Disorder as well as Psychotic Delusional Behavior. I mys of did not want to jump to judgement so I googled #84 of the Steelers and came up with Antonio Brown, 5′ 10″ slender, muscular and dark skinned wide receiver. The short fat, bald white skinned man bore no resemblance to the real #84 that I could see. The delusional fans stunning ensemble was rounded off by fluorescent yellow sneakers, black and gold knee high socks and bright yellow sun glasses. He was on his cell phone and I remember hearing this ” We’re never going to beat the Eagles if WE played against Cincy. While at the moment I thought he was insane, it turned out he was in fact correct. The Steelers lost to the Eagles that weekend by a final score of  34 to 3. So I’m not 100% sure these Shared Psychotic Football Fans, aren’t on to something. My major concern is that a little bald man with light skin, pictures himself as a Large Muscular Dark Skinned Man! I don’t think a short bald fat white man should be able to purchase just any jersey. If you’re a short bald white guy and you want to buy a jersey, you should be forced to purchase the Miami Dolphins #1 Garo Yepremian.

You’ll look like you’re really him so hen you say WE WON!, people will believe you.

I also believe if you suffer from SHARED PSYCHOTIC FAN DISORDER and do in fact strut about screaming WE WON! WE WON!!!, you should own up the loss, suit up and with you’re head hanging in shame, proclaim, we lost and it’s all my fault. I pretended to be someone I’m not and I couldn’t live up to my own Psychotic Delusion. I guess maybe I’m not on the team. Maybe they won and maybe they lost and maybe I’m just a drunken ass on the couch up there in Quakertown?

Nah, fuck it! WEEEEEEEEEE GOTTA WIN THIS WEEKEND!

#EndofRant

I Came Across Your Page and Noticed That Your Content is Boring…

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Dear Spammers, when you post on my page that “I CAME ACROSS YOUR PAGE AND NOTICED IT IS IN NEED OF MORE CURRENT CONTENT” You are being a rude asshole and are no longer being considered for the position for which you are applying!

Please stay the fuck off my page. Besides that, while you claim to be such talented writers and would be happy to write creative content for my website, you all have the exact same pitch!

1. I came upon your site and noticed it is lacking in content. Writing is time consuming and that’s where I come in.

2. I came upon your site and noticed you’re not getting the traffic you could be getting! Blah, blah, Blah, Bl-blah.

Next one of you spam-sucking parasites try to post on my wall just how talented of a website writer you are,

LEAVE A FEW AMISH JOKES YOU SCRAPPLE-SUCKING-MASTURBATING-MENNONITES!

SNOW is a Four Letter Word

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Allowing for the fact that I don’t ski, snowboard or spin down hillsides on the those little saucers that were fun as a kid but I don’t fit on them any more,
I AM NOT A BIG FAN OF SNOW. Ask anyone who has to drive through SNOW to get to a gig and they will tell you, “I CAN GET THERE BUT I’M WORRIED ABOUT MY AUDIENCE”
Snow has cost me more comedy dollars then any bad review on yelp. I’m pretty sure I haven’t been reviewed on YELP but you get the point.

WINTER COMING, is entertaining enough on Game of Thrones but the day after Valentine’s Day, Snow has lost it’s Christmassy romantic ambience! This winter in particular has lured us into a false sense of security. We were all rocking the Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts to grill our Christmas Ham. Then without enough warning, POW! THIRTY INCHES OF SHOVELING HELL FELL FROM THE SKY! It took us a couple weeks to dig out. Even now, the grey mountains of frozen hell stand tall in the mall parking lots, as a reminder that we are not safe from the grips of the SNOW MISER!

Today is especially frightening because it’s COLD! And we all know that when the ground is cold, the snow sticks. It gets deep fast! One to Three inches is far more intimidating falling onto ice cold roads. Tonight they are calling for, THOSE BASTARDS WHO CALL FOR THESE THINGS, FREEZING RAIN after the one to three inches! It’s no longer about zooming off to the market for Milk, Butter, Egg, Breads and Toilet paper. It’s the fear of not being able to go places. We are people who love to go places. We go to the movies! We got to Broadway shows! We who perform, go to rehearsals and performances. We worry that people won’t come out because THEY ARE CALLING FOR ONE TO THREE INCHES!

If they left comedians report the upcoming wintry mix, we’d tell you “It’s not the bad! Just leave early and drive slow” And we’ll tell you that with thirty inches on the ground.

When we do have to call off or reschedule a show, there is always someone mad at us because they have four wheel drive. If we don’t call it off and reschedule, we are accused of being greedy whores who don’t care about peoples lives. This is a horrible and inaccurate accusation. You see, we have to drive there too and we don’t want to die any more then you do. We just believe it’s possible to drive safely through snow. But then, we hear of a 50 car pile up on route 78 because of a SNOW SQUAL! Very tragic and a reminder that maybe sometimes we should stay home. I’ve been driving in Pennsylvania for 38 Years and the SNOW SQUAL is a new horror. Not to be out done by BLACK ICE.

There is no point to this rant. It is merely therapy for a traveling comedian who simply cannot lose another gig to snow!
Drive safe. Watch out for Black Ice, Snow Squals, bad drivers, sliding cars, freezing rain or just stay the fuck home and stream something on netflix.
Anyway you slice it, when I hear the four letter word SNOW, I imagine I hear the same way people who are offended by the word fuck, actually feel when they hear me say “FUCK” too much on stage.
#EndOfRant
*this rant has not been checked for grammar, spelling, run on sentences or other things that might cause me to get a poor grade. It’s my journal and you really shouldn’t be reading it anyway”

Peace
Amish Comic

Letter to the Weatherman or The Worst Winter We Ever Had

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Dear weatherman, every winter cannot be “The Worst Winter We Ever Had”

There has to be a few “Not all that bad winters” like the one we had last year. Now the year before last year, that was the worst winter we ever had. It snowed and snowed and snowed. Three four days in a row. We shoveled and we shoveled until out backs hurt. And that probably wasn’t even the worst winter we ever had. Two winters before that, it SNOWED in OCTOBER. Weatherman, you realize that you cannot just use generic all inclusive phrases like Wintry Mix. Wintry mix is weatherman bullshit for, it’s winter and some sort of weather is coming. And Dear Weatherman, stop announcing snow like it’s an Anthrax Terrorist attack. It’s SNOW! You can also stop name dropping THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.

“The National Weather Service as issued a winter weather advisory” We can figure out it’s winter weather by looking at a fuck’n calendar.

Wonder what kind of weather to expect today? Hmmm, let’s have a peek at the old calendar. It’s January. January occurs in the winter so I guess we can expect some kind of COLD WINTRY MIX!

And Dear weatherman, please don’t be afraid to apologize after you scare the fuck out of us and it doesn’t snow at all. Get your ass on the 11 o’clock news and say “Sorry, looks like you could have gone out tonight. my bad”

End of snow rant. for more, come to my show!

 

 

Why Christmas Shopping Makes Us Insane

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Back in the days when I had money, I could Christmas shop for a specific person and get them something awesome.
Those were the days.
Now I just buy stuff that’s on sale and say
“This will be good for someone”
Great! Let’s cross someone off the list.
I was worried what we were going to get for someone but now I don’t have to worry about them. Whoever they are, we got’em covered. That’s one less thing to worry about!

Or The wife and I will be out shopping for nobody in particular.
I’ll find some pretty OK Gloves.
Only $5 bucks.
And I announce exactly who they would be good for.
These would be good for Jack.

Then my wife will say ” Do you think so?”
Now I’m filled with doubt.
Now I don’t know.
Maybe Jack would hate them.
Do you think Jack would hate’em?
I don’t think he’d hate them he just might not need gloves.

Maybe we should wait?
But there on sale.

I think everybody would love these gloves.
I almost wanna get a pair for everyone.
Well, who do we need for?
Pretty much everyone!
You mean we didn’t even start our Christmas shopping?
We don’t have anything for anyone?

No! We started! We have some stuff for some people.
Well who?
I don’t know.
The stuff we already bought is at home.
Did we bring a list of what we already have and who it’s for?
Not an actual list but I could figure it out if you give me a minute.
We could always come back for the gloves.
But they might now be on sale?
Or they might be cheaper.
Or they might not have any left.

We reap eat this madness a few dozen times until the magic of Christmas Eve is upon us.
Then we hope we got everyone!

Christmas Tree Getting Day

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Often underrated in the holiday hoopla is one of my absolute favorite days of the year, and that is the actual day we get our Christmas Tree. The first talk of getting a tree is Thanksgiving weekend. The first mention of Christmas during Thanksgiving weekend is typically met with ‘it’s too soon to talk about Christmas’
We like to enjoy our Thanksgiving before we allow Christmas to take over our lives. That last line made it sound like we hate Christmas. This is incorrect. We love most of Christmas. We hate the panic of what to get everyone and where will we get the money. People who have big piles of money don’t have the right to piss and moan about the madness of Christmas. Just make everyone you know add a wish list to Amazon. Grab yourself a Ron Swanson Whiskey and point and click your Christamas shopping away! Leave us fools who live pay check to pay check to fend for ourselves. What we see here from this very blog is that it’s going to be insanely difficult for me to every write my book as I have wondered from the path. CHRISTMAS TREE GETTING DAY. That magical day when we attack the area where the tree will go. By tradition, the spot where the tree will go is not cleared until the day before! You can now clearly see where the tree will go. Oddly enough, this has a calming affect on the madness of Christmas. If you find yourself unable to get into the Christmas spirit, you have no further to look then your tree. If you didn’t get your tree yet, stop reading this and run to the tree place and get a Christmas Tree. A Blue Spruce, Douglas Fir but try not to get one of those trees with the long soft bristles that looks like a cross between a mop and a tree that grows in Florida. Unless you really love that kind of tree and just get the kind of tree you love. If you don’t know what your doing in the way of tree getting, please ask a friend you trust. We have all of us purchased many trees. I am a big fan of a ma and pa tree farm that is located right in my town. Only a few blocks away. When I say located, I mean hidden. It’s basically someone’s back yard. Hundreds of trees to pick from. With the nastiest price tag of $35. Bring a saw and cut your own down if that gives you a thrill but be warned. If your out of shape like I am, sawing a tree down to prove your manliness can backfire in the form of a muddy-knee’d pathetic wanna be lumber jack, cutting the tree down on a stupid angle. Just ask the kid with the chainsaw to cut it cleanly for you. Thanks to all those horror movies, the young guys who help with the family tree farm get an almost unwholesome kick out of wielding a chainsaw.
Smell your tree before you have it cut down. Smell a lot of trees. Look at the trees from every angle. Bring your family to smell the trees. Bring your daughter’s boyfriend to smell the trees. Take pictures, run around the trees. Examine the trees from all angles. Make sure your tree will fit in your house. I use a very meticulous measuring system. I stand where the tree will stand and I reach for the ceiling. The actual ceiling is about a foot away from the tip of my reach. And yes I enjoy running around the tree farm, standing next to a tree we like and reaching straight up to the sky. If the tip of the tree is higher then one foot above my reach, the tree is too big (insert that’s what she said joke here). It’s also a good idea to bring a ribbon or something to mark a few different trees until you get it down to that special tree. How do you know when you’ve found it. You just know. At the moment when you al, agree on this years Christmas Tree, that feels awesome! The Christmas spirit is officially alive. I am lucky in that my tree farm of choice is only about 6 blocks away from wher I live. So I don’t have to tie it to the top of a PT Cruiser and drive on a highway. I don’t even have to close the hatch.
The ride home, smells like Christmas. For those six blocks, I have the quintessential pine tree auto air freshener.
The next exciting part of our Tree getting tradition is watch our cockatiel watch the Tree come into the house. We always believe she will be more excited then she is. The late night show when the cat comes down stairs is even even less spectacular. The feral Merry appears to be stunned that I would be so stupid as to bring something from the outdoors, indoors. A cats hard life outside and taking to indoor living has caused feral Merry to not really miss anything about the great outdoors. We like to let our tree settle for a few days before we commence with the decorating. There is no holiday wisdom here beyond the simple idea that if you are struggling to find the Christmas spirit, go outside and bring a tree into your home. If you put up an artificial tree, I don’t have the passion to blog about it.
Happy Holidays!

Am I really Amish?

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The number one question I get when I travel is, Am I really Amish?
Let me continue to explain this the best way I know how.
If you were going to pretend to be something?
You wouldn’t pick Amish.
This look hasn’t kicked any doors open for me.
Despite the Amish Mafia’s national fame and Weird Al’s hit single Amish Paradise, many comedy clubs in states that are not Pennsylvania are concerned that people in Texas or ( fill in the state of your choice ) won’t get me. You don’t have to know a single thing about the Amish to enjoy my show. You will leave my show knowing not very much more about the Amish then when you came in. There are any number of Nationally Touring comedians who rely heavily on a country and accent of origin. You don’t check the British population in Ohio before you book Ricky Gervais. He curses with a British accent. While I am no Ricky Gervais, it’s the same theory at work here. You don’t have to go off to Amish Camp to enjoy my show. Fans of me who live in states that are not Pennsylvania, please tell your local comedy clubs that you would get me. Of course this video clip says it better then this babble.
End of Rant
Amish