Raymond the Amish Comic

Posts Categorized / Unedited Rant

Mother’s Day Flowers or Other’s Day Flowers

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As Mother’s Day weekend is upon us, I wonder how flowers got to be the official gift for Mom on Mother’s Day. Seems like a bit of a jip to me. Flowers are for special occasions it is true but doesn’t feel like it should be the whole gift. If you are starring in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas in your community theatre, you expect flowers at the curtain call. You expect flowers at your funeral. You expect to wear a carnation in your lapel before you go whack that guy. But flowers as your main gift, definitely seems like a jip. Nobody puts flowers on their Amazon Wishlist. Men would not tolerate an assigned gift for Father’s Day, that’s why you don’t see any Neck-Tie Tents in mall parking lots on Father’s Day weekend. Your girlfriend expects flowers as part of your apology for that immense fuck-up but it can’t be the only part of the apology. Dinner and a bottle of wine must accompany the flowers. Which brings me to another point, if you are in the dog house with your girlfriend and are driving to her house without flowers, in hopes of driving past the escaped mental institution patient that’s standing a the traffic light at the corner of 15th and Tilghman. But then you have to hope like hell the light is RED. of you’ll show up empty handed. Your girlfriend will say, “What? No Flowers? You’re such a dick” at which point you will say, “You wouldn’t believe this but I had some great luck on the way over here! All Green Lights”
At which point she will say “You’re about to hit a Red Light when you try to get into my pants”
And besides that, women are smarter then you!

(Not quite yelling but with a raised voice of disdain she’ll say)
“If you wanted to get sucked off you should have gone with the FTD FORGET ME NOT BOUQUET complete with the card and the white Lacey flowers as garnish! But no, you stopped at the Red Light and bought flowers from Chief, who just threw the water fountain through the window and broke out of the mental institution.
Happy Mother’s Day!

The Audience Yeller! It’s a Fine Art!

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Yelling out at a comedy show is usually a bad idea.
But occasionally someone understands the nuances of picking and choosing your moments. A well timed yell that hits sweetly and fades away to silence, with the yeller never to yell out again for the rest of the night is truly an art form. It cannot be planned. It’s gotta be a spontaneous combustion. More times then not, on such rare occasions when a seasoned yeller hits their mark, a drunken ass will try to tag onto the fun. This has a 100% fail rate. To the untrained yeller, it is easy to mistake the success of yeller number one as an invitation for the audience to yell out random incoherent shit. Do not add your clever quip to the successful yell. It will fail.

I would like to share with you now, a rare success story.
Scene 1: A show so far North into the mountains of Pennsylvania that if you trip in the parking lot, you will land in New York. Not much to do in this town is an understatement. Hunting is the number one trending recreation. Which explains why there was a Gun Raffle at my show.
The setup: I am ranting on stage ” It’s not that I’m all stuck up and fool of myself. I just thought this show would easily be sold out by virtue of there being nothing to do in this town. The only other live entertainment is a guy jerking off at the car wash! ( LAUGHTER )

Scene 2: We are about 40 minutes into my show. The sound system not only sucked batshit balls but the microphone dropped every third word. This is not an embellishment to enhance the story. I know many comedians who would have DROPPED THE MIC and bolted. But I adapted this third word drop into my show.
One tall lanky thirty something mountain man ( and thirty something mountain man is way different then your typical thrifty something )
Well he had enough. So he stood up. By himself and lazily walked out of my show. His attempt to look all bitch ass was thwarted by me as I said ” I get the whole, the sound sucks and your out of here thing but you can’t make a bitch-ass rockstar exit while you are carrying a SOFT BAG COOLER! Real men have giant plastic coolers with wheels, a seat and a steering wheel”
He was undaunted and remained silent. I asked him “where are you going”
It was at this precise moment that our featured yeller chimed in with a “HE’S GOING TO THE CAR WASH!”

The appropriate congratulations, and damn I wish I would of thought of that were delivered by me.
When all of a sudden the a second YELLER Tried to add to the fun of yeller number one with a poorly timed
“Yeah! He just got a new car”
Silence and the sounds of pin dropping.